*A place of mine|l

2007-03-25T00:16:00.000-07:00

I've moved.

Don't ask me why because I really am not sure why I suddenly moved too.

http://iwashmymouth.livejournal.com

It's funny to have to say bye to this blog I've been writing in for 2 years plus.

___whine whine whine

2007-03-12T09:15:00.000-07:00

I really think I'm suffering from pms.

I'm feeling damn lethargic and moody and cranky.

I need to whine and whine about my work and my hard-to-get internship and my lack of sleep and my lack of personal time and everything else.

Maybe more sleep will do me some good.

___im alive

2007-03-07T08:57:00.000-08:00

I've been so tired to blog but I'm finally here to announce that I'm alive and very well. And I'm feeling hungry at this time of 1 am and craving for some roti prata.

It's been almost a week since the release of my 'A' Level results and I must say that I feel grateful that at least I've done okay. I guess God has really given me satisfactory results and I've grown to be quite contented about what I've got. Though in the first place, everyone else seemed to have 3/4 As and I didn't and this made my results pale horribly in comparison. And I just didn't feel happy at all about having only a singular A. Oh well, at least I've met the criteria for entry into mass communications.

I realise that university application is damn troublesome! I'm too lethargic to start applying and writing essays and boasting about myself in resumes. But I guess I really have to sit myself down one day and force myself to finish all my applications to universities and for scholarships. I can't believe that soon another FOUR YEARS of studying will start. It's quite a scary thought.

Sometimes people make groundless accusations at me and I get so riled up.

___oh nooo

2007-02-26T08:39:00.000-08:00

A sense of dread fills me as I think about my impending doom. Oh damn it. I don't want to be so worried because I know there's no point at all in thinking about my results. But how not to be worried when it comes to haunt me in my dreams? I woke up so early today and couldn't go back to sleep simply because I had a stupid dream about me having damn bad results.

I just hope I won't be like terribly upset this friday. Oh no. FRIDAY. It's coming so soon.

I guess I do have high expectations afterall - of myself, of the people around me, of my job and previously my CCA. Maybe this is why I end up being so dissatisfied a lot of times, dissatisfied and disappointed. It's time for me to make do with less-than-perfect and to be happy despite things not meeting my expectations. I need to learn how to let go and be less stubborn.

___chinese new year!

2007-02-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

It's the big event of the year once again - the start of a new year. I'm glad for chinese new year and the significance it plays, because it helps to bring the extended family together. And of course I'm glad for the red packets and the good food we get to eat. But seriously, I'm always bored by the amount of time I stand/sit around doing absolutely nothing.

I was so terribly bored yesterday and today that I just kept snacking. Oh damn it, I think I'm going to regain all the weight that I've managed to lose! I had better stop my snacking and think of more constructive things to do. Like watch television?

I seriously need to go out! I feel so restless that I can't really sit still at all.

___a long time

2007-02-16T09:16:00.000-08:00

I'm happy and in a good mood! It's been a long time since I've really felt happy. I'm glad to be able to smile genuinely - the first time ever since I started work at shiro.

I guess the time off work did me good, and I'm really so grateful to the manager for being so damn nice to me. She didn't even ask why I wanted to start work late with such short notice. So I happily started work at 6 instead of 3 (and in the end I couldn't get a cab so I reached at 7!). And today everyone was in a good mood because Chinese New Year is coming so soon! I even received a $50 red packet from one of the customers today who gave one red packet each to all the service staff. Woah I really marvel at how rich these people are.

And I guess the time spent with my dear friends from SUN really perked me up. Yay I'm looking forward to the Chinatown trip tomorrow!

P/S: I've already decided to continue staying on at shiro indefinitely till I find an internship at a magazine or TV station. I hope to find one soon by next month! Then I'll change my job - being an intern in the media sector so as to have an edge for entry into mass comm. Please help me to look out for internships!

___the loser i am

2007-02-12T09:45:00.000-08:00

What a damn loser I am. Seriously, I thought I was being gungho and brave to stand up against what I was unhappy about at sun - my schedule. And I went to leave just like that. But I've landed myself in an even more unhappy situation. And all I want to do now is to go back to sun.

The pay at shiro is so attractive I guess I was tempted in my state of rebelling against sun. But I couldn't help crying today as I simply couldn't get used to the environment at shiro at all, and I missed sun so badly. I felt so depressed it quite shocked me. My first day of work, and things have turned out so badly. I know I won't be happy. Like even how I tried to force myself to smile, it just didn't work.

I guess I'm too emotional a person - sentimentally tied to sun even as I complained about the management. Now everything has come crashing down around me as I struggle to come to terms with the fact that I want to quit shiro after a mere day of work. The atmosphere of work is so different, and there just wasn't any welcoming warmth at shiro. The comparisons started pouring into my mind and sun shines when placed side by side with shiro. And I'm quite bent on this decision of quitting. Oh damn it, my second resignation in just 2 months of starting work.

___feeling down

2007-02-10T10:06:00.000-08:00

It's my last day of work at japanese dining sun. I cannot bear to leave this place, really. And I cannot believe that I'm really not coming back to work here anymore.

I held back my tears so many times as I said bye to the people who have come to be part of my life. The people who have contributed to the beautiful memories of my short stint of a career at this restaurant. This restaurant has given me so many friends and I just can't imagine not seeing them every day anymore. It was especially heart-wrenching to say bye to my very first mentor. She's such a wonderful and genuine person that I must say I respect her so much for being who she is. I'll miss working with her, chatting with her and just being cheeky to her.

I feel so apprehensive and pessimistic about my new job (or should I say that it's the same job at a new place), instead of being excited. I can't bring myself to leave japanese dining sun at all. I'm so damn afraid that I'll regret my decision to leave. I'm so damn afraid that I won't be happy at the new restaurant. And all I can do is to try to enter this new job with an open heart, and hope that I'll be happy.

___heavy hearted

2007-02-08T09:48:00.000-08:00

I let my head rule this time round. I made such a strong decision and acted on it so swiftly. Now it's time to leave. I quit.

Yet my heart simply can't bear to leave this place - the place where I started off, eager and passionate and full-hearted about my first job. I want to stay. I really want to. Yet circumstances made me take the action to leave, and now things have moved so fast that I can't not leave anymore.

I'm really upset. I don't want to say bye to this place, to all the people who have showered me with so much care and taught me so patiently. I don't want to leave this place which has allowed me to learn so much and made me into the waitress I am today.

I feel terribly sad. It hurts to leave.

2007-02-06T05:23:00.000-08:00

You with the sad eyes
Don't be discouraged
Oh I realize
It's hard to take courage
In a world full of people
You can lose sight of it all
And the darkness there inside you
Makes you feel so small

But I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow

Show me a smile then,
And don't be unhappy, can't remember when
I last saw you laughing
If this world makes you crazy
And you've taken all you can bear
You call me up
Because you know I'll be there

And I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
That's why I love you
So don't be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful,
Like a rainbow.

___hmmm

2007-02-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

I've got a 3 days MC. It's funny how I didn't know I'm that sick haha. Anyway it's a good time for me to sleep and sleep and rest well. I'm glad for the time off though I don't like being sick. But damn it, these 3 days off work means no pay for me at all. My schedule is in a pathetic state as usual and I guess my pay for this entire month of February is going to be only about $700 at best. AT BEST.

I wonder at how unfair the world is.

___being sick

2007-02-04T07:56:00.000-08:00

Oh man, I became sick within a day. Like I just developed a fever today and now my body is aching all over and I feel so damn cold that I'm shivering and wearing a jacket at normal room temperature. I don't feel good and soon my throat will start having an inflammation and soon I'll be fully-blown sick. I need to see a doctor tomorrow but I hate wasting the money.

Anyway, I'm so tempted to take a full week of leave from work because I'm so sick and tired of everything and being sick with an MC is a convenient excuse for escaping from the world I've grown to dislike. But I guess that'll be career suicide. Oh well, this week is going to be a purposeful one for me because I'm going to embark on my mission to find a new job. I need to find the courage and determination to leave and having a new job on hand will propel me to do so. The thing is, I like waitressing. I really like the job for all its excitement and interaction with people. Yet I can't stand the way the management operates. It's driving me crazy. How do I survive with like only 3 days of work each week? There's no money coming in and I hate feeling so free and useless with so much time on my hands. So for now, I want to find a waitressing job as a full-timer. And I want to get well soon because being sick is making me so damn lethargic and emotional.

___time to rest

2007-02-02T10:52:00.000-08:00

I'm tired and I just want to sleep an entire day away but it seems like the only full off-day I have is always on sunday and on sunday I always have so many things to do. I really want to sleep away all that's troubling me and frustrating me and making me lethargic and unhappy. Somehow or other, I don't know why I can't seem to feel happy and I just want to go the beach and have dinner under the stars and laugh and chat and have fun. Maybe that'll make me feel better.

I'm just so tired and I want to run away but at the same time I don't want to leave. It sarks being so contradictory. I need to have the time and the mood to go shopping and I don't understand how people can work so much yet still have the energy to go shopping and clubbing and have a lifestyle that normal people have. I want to have the energy to continue playing percussion. I realise how much I miss it and how much I want to pursue what makes me happy.

Suddenly I wonder how many people feel unhappy for like three-quarters of their lives. I've realised it's so possible. I don't think I've felt genuinely happy for almost 2 months, in that I haven't jumped up and down in joy or beamed uncontrollably or screamed out loud in excitement. I haven't had that sense of bubbling joy which brought so much more colour to my school life (actually more of band life) for so long. And I don't know why and what is bogging me down. Ah maybe it's just pms, since it is that time of the month.

___a birthday spent

2007-01-30T09:23:00.000-08:00

I'm officially 19 today. 19 is a funny age to be and I can't really reconcile to the fact that I'm so damn old. It's my very last year of teenagehood and I really don't feel like celebrating next year's birthday - when I turn 20!

I'm glad for so many important people in my life, filling up my life with their presence and taking the time off to celebrate this special day with me. The time spent with my mum in the morning was especially comforting to me. The sense of peace I had when having the meal cooked by her was really heartening. It's been a long time since I've had home-cooked food and the taste of it was just so familiar to me. I guess it's true that on my birthday, the person I should honour most is my mum, simply because she went through such pains to give birth to me on this day.

Anyway, I just want to thank those whom I got to see on this special day of mine, and who treasured me enough to plan something for me. I'm glad for all the cakes and candles, all the wishes that you all allowed me to have the chance to make. I'm so grateful for all your company, for the presents and the cards and everything else. I guess I'm really a blessed girl, and I must say that I was so touched by everything - all the appreciation of me as a friend. I think this birthday felt less like a birthday but more like a day for the celebration of my friendships. Thanks so much to all of you! I'm happy, really happy that I got to spend such a wonderful day with my dearest friends.

___my stupidity

2007-01-24T23:08:00.000-08:00

I always feel used at times. Being manipulated by people's wishes and requests, doing things I don't feel like doing for the sake of others. Working like shit yet being unappreciated, going out of my way beyond what I should do yet end up being the loser. I feel like I'm really being used and somehow all of it just points to how stupid and naive I am.

A classic example of how stupid I can be is when I gave my handphone number to this couple who came to talk to me just now on the MRT. They asked me where I bought my bag from, and I told them it was from taiwan. Then we continued chatting and under the illusion of being friends, they asked for my number and I gave it to them. How stupid could I get? They might be conmen or even ax murderers. I didnt't know them AT ALL. Sometimes I marvel at how naive I am. How easily people gain my trust and how easily I believe in the goodness of people. And it's because I believe that people are good that's why I gladly allow myself to be manipulated because I didn't even think it was manipulation in the first place.

Ah oh well, I just hope that the couple disappears from my life forever. I don't want to end up in the headlines for being cheated by 2 conmen or have my number splashed over posters for paid sex! And I hope I become smarter enough to practise what I really want to - to not let myself be forced to do things I don't want to do. Because it gives me the feeling of being manipulated and I hate that. Anyway, I just want to say that I really really appreciate all my friends for still lingering on in my life. For the few meetings every week with you all, for the smiles that you all bring to my stressful working life. I always feel happier after seeing such familiar faces, people who are dear to my heart.

___really quite tired

2007-01-21T09:28:00.000-08:00

I'm tired emotionally. Tired of having to deal with things that keep coming my way. And I'm obviously physically tired, but that's nothing compared to this certain emotional drudgery I'm feeling. It's alright though, because I believe it'll all be okay soon. Sigh what a way to feel just 9 days before my birthday.

Anyway I'm glad I still went out today despite feeling so damn tired after sleeping at 430 am last night and having work from 11 am to 3 pm today. I'm glad I went out because I got to meet my dear friends from secondary school. Somehow or other I feel that these sec 4 friends of mine manage to bring a smile to me after all these years, and I hope to meet up at least once every 2 weeks with them. They were the people who stuck with me in class, the people whom I had so much fun with and the people who are now still my good friends. I'm grateful that they are around for me.

___running thoughts

2007-01-18T08:47:00.000-08:00

I should stop thinking too much about things. Really.

Thinking too much just makes me melancholic and perhaps constantly worried.

Not thinking too much, on the other hand, will perhaps help me to lower my expectations and be happier.

But tell me, how do you stop your thoughts from wandering?

___mixed feelings

2007-01-13T09:36:00.000-08:00

I'm happier now I guess, after getting over all that stress or learning to live and cope with it. I've learnt how to be a little more selfish or self-defensive in my work, to look after myself rather than being a busybody about what other people are doing. I've learnt not to care and compare that much, but focus on excelling in my work. Perhaps work is really different from school in this aspect. The priority is to save your own skin most of the time, unlike school where I was given free rein to poke my nose into other people's business. Anyway, because of how I've learnt to cope with everything, I feel much better about working and trying my best to be the best in what I do. A lot of thanks goes to my mentor-and-friend yee shih, whose street-wise attitude and maturity has helped me a lot in understanding the working world better.

It's becoming quite a routine to catch up with friends once I get my off days settled each week. Actually I realise I don't mind being a part-timer and just working 5 days a week, so that perhaps my weekends can be freed. It's really relaxing to be able to see friends I don't get to see that often anymore, to share a little about our lives and to chill out over food and drinks. Today I went out with quite a few friends and I suddenly felt quite overwhelmed by the feeling of peace and comfort I had while just chatting to these people. We're friends for a reason I guess, and these weekly gatherings bring me away from the more superficial things I talk about with my work people to more in-depth sharing of feelings with these friends of mine.

Suddenly I feel that I might want to step out of my work to start picking up driving again, to write again, and to learn dancing. I need time to do all these and I'm quite confused about where to place my priority. Is waitressing going to be my priority? Or is it writing since my future career path lies in that? Or is it getting my driving licence since I'm almost there and I don't want to have wasted my time and money? I don't quite know which direction to take.

I still feel a little empty though.

___the stress

2007-01-05T09:52:00.000-08:00

I thought the stress to perform or the stress to do well and even better than the rest would be gone once I graduated from school, from band and from the world of a student. I guess I didn't realise that work has that same element of proving yourself too. I wanted to just enjoy my work in its essence, to not worry about that fighting spirit. But I guess I can't anymore.

It's a bit depressing when someone tells you straight in the face that you have fallen short of expectations. It's more so when you think you have worked hard and not many people have seen it but I'm not the kind who will go claim credit for my work. It's even more so when people newer than you seem to be more well-liked for their job performance because they seem to be more serious and adept at their job. Sometimes things aren't just what they seem on the surface and I guess I'm just not satisfied taking all of this lying down. It irks me when I'm judged like that on a basis which I don't agree on and when I'm being perpetually compared to others.

I'm glad I have a good friend in my workplace (a newfound auntie too) for me to talk to. Maybe I'm resistant to change because I don't like the feeling of an influx of newcomers, and this new friend of mine is an anchor for me to lean on. I miss cindy too and I want her to come back soon! Sometimes I realise it's getting harder to trust people, and cindy is one of those I can trust especially about work stuff. Not everything can be shared with everyone because there are always secret politics going on, and I don't like sharing if I don't feel like it anyway. So I'm just blessed that there's cindy around and this new friend of mine.

___the end and the start

2007-01-01T03:13:00.000-08:00

Happy new year to all of you! It's 2007 already and I really can't believe that one year has passed just like that. 2006 was an exciting year, and quite an emotional rollercoaster for me. I experienced so much in my 2nd year of JC, so much so that I think I have grown up and matured a lot.

Taking on the responsibility of an exco member in the band, planning and being frustrated when things went wrong and being crazily happy when things turned out successful especially Etude 31 at esplanade. Trying to cram loads of information in my head while studying and studying and finally taking THE A LEVELS. Being upset with friends, being obssessed over friendships but finally learning from all the quarrels that the best friendships develop the most naturally. Learning to detach myself and not forcing myself to agree to going out when I don't want to (in other words, starting to enjoy my solitude). Finding the strength to struggle through shit, being at extreme ends of emotions. My first overseas trip with friends, my first job in the real working world. I learnt especially how to appreciate myself and the people around me who treasure me for who I am, who are willing to make time for me instead of me having to give in always. I'm glad that 2006 was a memorable year, though not always happy. It helped me to grow up and become a better person (I think)!

Now it's 2007, a new start to a new life. It's going to be an exciting year too I guess. Besides work and starting again at the new outlet at clarke quay, the A Levels results are coming out in march (damn I'm scared) and I'm going into university in september. But it's going to be a sad year of farewells too to the people going overseas to study! 2007 is going to be an entirely new experience, away from my years of studying and the leave from my comfort zone. I'm looking forward to this new year lying ahead of me, and all I hope is to be happy (and to find my other half soon!), to smile genuinely and to laugh abandonedly with friends and family. I'm glad for the new year, and my birthday is coming soon! haha I hope that all of you will just enjoy and savour the year of 2007!

___the 2 birthdays again!

2006-12-29T09:48:00.000-08:00

Haha happy birthday first to my dear friend steph! You're finally 18 after waiting for almost a year after my birthday! And now you're finally legal and you can go club or buy alcohol without worrying about being underaged anymore! Anyway I hope you had a wonderful time throughout your special day! I'm glad that I was able to have the privilege to take up like 45 minutes of your day haha. Really hope that you like my present anyway. At least it's so unique that you won't forget it's from me haha.

You've been a really special friend of mine and I'm glad for the fact that we've been through so much and emerged with a stronger friendship. I have so much more I want to say to you, but I don't want to write it on my blog haha. So sorry for not finishing the card on time! I promise I'll give it to you soon. Anyway I don't really know how to express myself here, but I'm thankful to have such a wonderful friend like you. My fellow whining partner and the only one I know who loves whining as much as I do! You brought a lot of joy into my life these 2 years and I want to say that I LOVE YOU LOADS! I know it's no use trying to stress on the fact about keeping in contact because we're going on entirely different paths in our lives. But I'm just really glad that I've made such a good friend in you and I hold this friendship of ours close to my heart. Happy birthday to you once again! And you better remember my birthday too haha!

Anyway the second birthday is quite stupid, but who cares. Haha happy birthday to my blog! You've witnessed 2 entire years of my life and I'm glad that you've lasted so long. I'm proud of myself for not being so lazy that I don't even bother to update at all! I hope that this blog will continue surviving to record my life down in it. (:

___my world of work

2006-12-24T10:48:00.000-08:00

Merry christmas to everyone! Yet I think there isn't much of a christmassy mood this year. Somehow I think christmas is over-hyped. Everyone just treats it as a day to give one another presents and the real meaning is lost, not mentioned at all.

Anyway I've been so busy with work that I didn't get down to sending anyone christmas cards although I bought them already. And obviously I haven't bought any gifts either, so this year's christmas just doesn't feel like it. Usually I'm the one in the family who insists on setting up the christmas tree (and will get down to doing it), but I've been too busy this year to even bother. Somehow or other, I don't feel like it's a special day at all today! But thanks still for all those who sent me cards and sms-es and gifts. (:

Work is tiring! It's been ONE WEEK of work for me. I'm glad I've survived this week without being scolded yet haha. Anyway I really love my job! Obviously the working hours for a waitress are like shit, with long hours and abnormal timings for all my meals. Plus the fact that standing for 8 hours is quite strenous. But I love the feeling of serving customers as they eat at the restaurant, to make their dining experience a more pleasant one. And I love the staff there at the restaurant! They're damn nice people who teach me with so much patience and I'm glad that I'm able to talk to them quite well. My mentors seem to like me well enough too haha! It's a wonderful experience working as a waitress and I think I've fallen in love with working at CHIJMES, especially with all the people I know. Now I don't feel like going over to Clarke Quay! But obviously I don't have a choice haha.

The only downside that really comes from working as a waitress is that my English has sort of degenerated haha. Maybe this entry has revealed that to you all. But I love this job all the same and I'm going to learn as much as I can from all my mentors. Aye I think I'm going to be damn sad when I have to leave CHIJMES next month!

___the step out into work

2006-12-17T07:48:00.000-08:00

I'm starting work tomorrow and I'm excited! But also a little apprehensive at the same time. I'm sure I'll make stupid mistakes and embarrass myself and my face will turn red as usual. And anyway the first obstacle I'm having a hard time trying to overcome is applying makeup! Omg I can't do makeup for nuts. I can't use the eyeliner AT ALL. I'm horrible and terrible at it! I drew such a squiggly line on my very first attempt that jiamin said it looked like I was experimenting with crayon. Oh my I'm going to turn out a disaster on my very first day of work in the looks department. I'm like giving myself an hour's allowance to put on my makeup before work!

Anyway, it's a wonder how many lies are told each day to people around you. This is so random but it's a reaction to something that I just read. I'm a little disturbed by it, but I can't say anything here I guess. Oh well, putting that aside, I must say that from today onwards, my normal timetable is going to be turned upside down. While everyone is having lunch or dinner, I can't eat. And I'll reach home at like 12 am every night which means I'll be seeing less of my parents and missing out on family dinners. But it's alright, it has always been my dream to be a waitress and I'm determined to be a good one! haha it's time for me to start on an entirely new journey of my life. (:

___one long ramble

2006-12-16T10:28:00.000-08:00

I miss taiwan SO MUCH and I just looked at the photos and I couldn't help but long to go back again and I miss ying ying and her being a living joke and loving hebe so much but I can't see her now cos she's away in some ulu place of thailand which she can't even name and I miss steph and her funny poses for the camera and her whining and all my photos are with her but I can't see her too because she's away in canada for like one week more and she says it's damn bloody cold there and I want to tell her it's damn bloody hot here in Singapore and it's making my skin have breakouts and anyway it's my dream to study in canada but I can't go there and that's making me suddenly very sad because people are all leaving to study overseas and christina just told me she's leaving in february and oh no the thought really makes me sad I'm going to cry like mad and I hate saying bye like that to my dearest friends and among them will be cindy and steph and a whole lot of others and I'll be pathetically stuck in Singapore and anyway I want to say that I didn't say I miss cindy because there's no need to haha I'm seeing her again tomorrow and after that we'll see each other every day because I'm starting work on monday at the CHIJMES Sun with Moon restaurant together with her and we'll be waitressing and I hope I slim down and anyway I must end off with the fact that I'm feeling very desperate now (those of you who know me well enough will know in which sense I'm referring to) and the only solution to this feeling of desperation is obvious and I hope I come upon the solution REALLY SOON and if you have read through this right to the very last I must say you have a lot of patience and congratulations.

___BACK FROM TAIWANN!!

2006-12-11T08:22:00.000-08:00

I'm back from taiwan after 7 days there. It's been such a fun trip I want to go back again!! I really can't believe that I've been away for so long. I can't get over the fact that it's OVERRR.

I thoroughly enjoyed myself with my 3 other travel mates! The 4 of us girls are really adventurous. I'm proud of us for daring to venture everywhere alone, for travelling so independently, for the spontaneity shown in our escapades from climbing mountains to soaking in hot springs to clubbing to singing KTV. haha we woke up at like 1 pm everyday and played all the way till 3 am! The trip was carefree, fun and without stress at all. I love taiwan for the food, the people, the dogs seen everywhere, and the entire atmosphere. It's a wonderful country indeed and I'm absolutely certain I'll be going back again!

I can't really update in detail now because I can't upload my photos! I left my camera cable at steph's house haha. And anyway I want time to do a travel journal of sorts because I really love this trip so much I want to keep every detail of it in remembrance! Oh ya I suddenly realise that I haven't updated about prom too! haha the photos are also not available yet! Guess my updates will have to wait for a while more till I'm ready to blog.

___IKEA!

2006-12-01T10:05:00.000-08:00

I like IKEA. It has a nice, cheery feel to it and I just love seeing furniture which appeal to my senses. The fact that band people love going there to buy sweet little farewell gifts at very affordable prices, makes IKEA all the more memorable for me. And today I visited the new branch of IKEA at Tampines!

The number of people was rather daunting. Horrendous in fact. I never knew Singaporeans love furniture to this extent! haha I realised in the end that most of them came for the food and perhaps simply to experience the feel of this entirely new attraction. The queue at the restaurant was easily 100 people long when we arrived to have dinner. My mum refused to give up her quest for the yummylicious chicken wings and insisted on queueing. I seriously thought she was mad. But surprisingly we got into the restaurant within 10 minutes! Only to realise that the longer queue ahead was waiting for us - the FOOD QUEUE. Oh my I think I just spent my entire time at IKEA queueing!!

Anyway, I must say that all the queueing was quite worth it afterall for the wonderful food that we got in return. I love love love the chicken wings and the swedish meatballs and the cheesecake! I wanted to eat more to make full use of my queueing efforts but I guess my stomach isnt that huge afterall haha!

The PEOPLE. This is like only 1/1000 of the people there!!

The funnily interesting contraption they provide for us to place our trays of food on. I was extremely fascinated with it!

The really GOOD FOOD. The usual favourites (chicken wings and meatballs) truly shone. But I felt that the poached salmon didn't really impress. Oh well, I still felt so blissful while enjoying all that food!

Cheesecake cheesecake! I think this cheesecake is damn good, and it ranks among one of the best I've ever eaten!

Okay this post is making me quite hungry. And anyway this is so random but I like my new phone because I have a greater freedom to take photos ANYWHERE I GO! (:

___yay i'm happy

2006-11-28T09:06:00.000-08:00

I'm really SO HAPPY! haha I finally finished watching It Started With A Kiss!! It's a really really fantastic show. I think everyone should watch it! It's funny, sweet, oh-so-romantic, touching and everything else to expect in a good show. And the soundtrack is really good too! I'm totally and completely in love with this show. I think I'm going to watch it again after I come back from my Taiwan trip haha!

I know I'm seriously deprived but watching such a romantic and sweet show makes me feel like I'm in love haha. It's my replacement for real love! And I seriously hope I can become skinny so that my future boyfriend will have the strength to piggy-back me and carry me whenever he wants to. Like in the show, the main actor so easily lifts the main actress up!

And another thing to make me smile is that I've been hired as a waitress!! I'm really happy! It's so exciting that I'm finally going to embark on my dream job, and I don't have to worry about rotting my days away because I've already got a job! Yay I'm glad for everything that's happening in my life now. I'm looking forward to the Taiwan trip!! (:

___the drama of it all

2006-11-24T08:22:00.000-08:00

I'm quite bored now because I'm waiting for youtube to finish loading episode 5 of the new taiwanese drama serial I'm currently watching! It's called It Started With a Kiss and I know it's bimbotic but who cares haha! I just like indulging myself in this fantasy world where first dates are romantic and easily gotten. And kisses are not pornographic but so sweet.

Okay sorry I really can't help swooning over this show! It's funny and I think the main actor and actress have chemistry! Which makes watching it so much more enjoyable. And I really love youtube for allowing me the convenience of watching it online (although it's really really blur)!

Don't you think it looks like a nice show? And I really love the song too! My mission to taiwan for this holiday is to buy taiwanese drama vcds! haha I really love watching shows. It's like a time when I can laugh and cry with the people in the shows, experience what they're going through, and basically fly away from this boring and plain life of mine. Especially since I've never dated before. Shows like these offer me an insight into the sweetness of couples (and make me more despo) haha!

___about baking!

2006-11-23T07:09:00.000-08:00

I like to bake. It's such an interesting process and I also find it quite therapeutic. But the problem is, I don't really have a flair for it! I think the stuff I bake turn out quite bad. They're edible I guess, but that's all there is to it. I don't know how to bake something stunningly good. haha!

I tried my hand at baking oatmeal chocolate chip cookies today. They turned out better than the previous time I baked cookies, but the thing is most of my cookies have charred bottoms! I don't know why I just can't seem to make them perfect. They insist on being black and bitter at the bottom! It's really hard to control the temperature. This is so saddening! I think people get put off (obviously) when they see charred bottoms. And my cookies have really flopped in this sense.

I really want to bake well! I think I shall try until I get everything perfect haha. Hopefully my hard work will pay off. In the meantime, I need guinea pigs to finish up whatever I bake!

___IT'S REALLY OVER

2006-11-22T06:33:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it. The 'A' Levels are officially over for me! After days of torture and unhappiness and isolation, it's all finally over. I'm really happy and relieved I guess, but at the same time I can't reconcile to the fact that these are going to be my final results! I went through my exams not feeling that it was the 'A' Levels, like somehow subconsciously I kept having this inkling of an idea that I was just sitting through a normal exam. And now I'm so worried about my results! I don't dare to face up to my results!

But seriously I'm not going to venture into such depressing thoughts! I want to enjoy the freedom I have now! haha I guess I haven't really realised the gravity of my newfound freedom! Imagine. No books anymore for about 8 months. I'm able to watch whatever TV programmes I like, to sleep whenever I want, to bake, to go out, to look for a job that I like. I don't have to be a slave to my horrendous notes and books! OH MY. I can't believe it. I'm really going to ENJOY the time I have now and throw all thoughts about my stupid results away haha!

Anyway, 2 years have passed just like that! I'm glad to be rid of all the academics, but I miss band so much! And I think I'm going to miss all my dear friends who I've been seeing so often because I know that there will be fewer chances to meet up once we're out of school! In a sense, school ties people together. I wonder what will happen as we all leave this safety net, as we all set out on different paths in life.

___lazy

2006-10-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

I've been so lazy to update! It's not a good sign at all. I realise I haven't been writing for quite long. Anyway I declare that I officially hate school because it makes me lethargic and unmotivated. Seriously I have a terrible timetable in which my days end at 5 pm! And then I get so tired that I won't be in any mood to study or do work. I much prefer not having school and I'm glad school's going to end on Monday! Then it'll be the mad rush to the 'A's.

Thinking of it, I realise we don't have much time. I'm dreading the BIG exams because it's going to determine where I end up. I really want to go to Canada for my university studies but I'm too poor to afford the fees! And that's why I'm banking on a scholarship which is like so hard to get. I guess I should just let things develop by themselves and just focus on studying first. I really want to get down to work but I've been quite tired these days.

I have so many dreams to be fulfilled. And I really want to get out of Singapore to see the world. I just hope things turn out fine afterall, that I'll be happy and contented with whatever I end up with.

___some random things

2006-09-29T22:12:00.000-07:00

I kept wanting to blog about jiamin's birthday! haha but I was too lazy to upload the photos. Anyway, this dear girl had her birthday on 7 sept! And percussion had an extremely funny celebration with her which included surprising her with the birthday cake outside a toilet. But I hope you had a great time with us at New York New York! And I really want to say that you're such a wonderful friend and I feel so blessed to have you as my confidante! It's always good talking to you. (:

I have two dogs in my house now and their behaviour is rather entertaining! I really love dogs for bringing life into the house and for cheering me up with their wagging tails or 'smiley' faces.

My dearest Hope! He hides in the toilet whenever we lock him in the kitchen.

The cutest Princess ever! She's my neighbour's dog haha.

And I've been watching movies these few days!

Walk the Line is a wonderful show. A rather typical storyline about the life of a struggling musician, yet it's so touching. I think Joaquin Phoneix and Reese Witherspoon acted really well. That feeling of LOVE running through the entire show served to add dimension to this deceptively simple movie.

Crash is extremely American. It deals with issues rife in America, which is perhaps why I can't really connect to it. But the raw emotions and the heavy sadness surrounding it, ending up with a tinge of hopefulness, was rather enough to win me over. The show really struck me with all its pain, and with its underlying message of light in the darkness.

___one day of fun

2006-09-28T20:39:00.001-07:00

It's been a great day. And I guess it's also the last day I'll be out having fun and playing my whole day away till after the 'A' levels. Somehow the carefree feeling can't materialise for long simply because I realise that the HUGE obstacle before me beckons.

I had fun today with 3 different groups of people. 3 different experiences which all made me smile. Screaming (actually it should be singing) my lungs out at kbox with my two other kbox queens, making so much noise and being so high that I think people must have thought we were mad. haha it was really funny! We laughed so much and sang so hard that it's a miracle I haven't lost my voice. Then walking along Little India with this dancer who wanted me to do henna (but I refused to haha). Hanging out at a quaint little bar which had Happy Hour at 4 pm! And had two dogs inside the place. I temporarily became a dog-sitter as the owner prepared our drinks. Exotic places become the norm with this dear friend of mine haha. I look forward to Arab Street and I really want to EAT good food.

I had dinner with a wonderful bunch of people. My dearest AH! and an extremely nice senior, generous and willing to share in our after-prelims excitement. The band people unite again haha. I miss band! So glad to be able to go out once again with these people who have been through the band times with me. We had fun as usual, enjoying a sumptous (and very expensive!) dinner, talking about everything in our lives, and catching up with one another. It's been so long since we gathered and I was really happy to see all of us together again!

I'm glad that friends are there to dispel my moodiness at the prelims results. I hate school because the days are so long and dreary, but these friends of mine keep me floating at least in the deep deep sea. And off I am to start on another journey of endless studying. I'm afraid. Very afraid of the 'A's.

___phew

2006-09-23T08:57:00.000-07:00

The prelims are finally over after so long. Absolutely horrible periods of studying and cramming things into my head. Strangely enough, I didn't feel in the mood for prelims at all! I don't know why I went in to my exams without feeling apprehensive about such a momentous thing. SIGH I think my results are going to be so disastrous. I don't think I'll be able to face up to my disgusting results.

Anyway, it seems like I've really grown used to solitude. I can't study with people I know so I usually coop myself up in a sea of strangers in the study room at my CC. And long periods of not talking to anybody has made me appreciate my own company better. Sometimes being alone is something pleasant, because I don't need to think about how to make conversation, I don't need to bother about anyone else besides myself. I think it's when I experience this sort of peace within me. Maybe that's the introverted part of me showing through haha.

But I'm glad I've been able to go out and re-connect with society these two days! Wonderful company, endless shopping, good food, lots of walking. It's been quite refreshing being social again. And I really think I'm a person who can swing between 2 extremes quite well. haha it's quite funny how fast I regained my chatterbox personality after weeks of not talking much. I miss all of you whom I've not seen for so long! I really really miss all of you.

Sometimes the past just engulfs me with memories and I can't stop thinking about things which are so out of my reach.

___some things

2006-09-03T06:33:00.000-07:00

I think I have great neighbours. I really like the way we are all friendly towards one another, taking the effort to nod or smile or make small talk. It gives me a sense of warmth, because a lot of people are not as blessed as me to have such a good relationship with my neighbours. And they're part of the reason why I don't want to move house (at least till I get married haha).

I wonder sometimes about how insensitive adults can be. Constantly harping on how fat a kid is isn't going to do her any good. It's just not healthy for a child to be forever put down and criticised for eating too much or being SO heavy. If I were in her shoes, I would feel hurt and maybe this might have an everlasting effect on my self-esteem. Think of the effects on the kid, please.

Anyway, what's cheering me up now is the prospect of BAKING after the prelims! I'm going to bake and bake and bake. Cookies, cakes, cupcakes. I just had this urge to bake and I'm going to promise myself that I WILL!! haha I'm so excited!

___beingserious

2006-08-30T09:27:00.000-07:00

GP is over. That's one huge obstacle down. I've been so worried and stressed over this subject! But at least I can stop the worrying now and focus on the horrible 2 weeks of prelims.

I'm sorry to be so anti-social and introverted but I'm just not in the mood to go out and have fun now even though I know there's a week of holidays ahead for me to study. It's not about the studying, rather it's the state of mind I guess. I would just feel guilty if I went out at this period of time. Somehow or other, the fact that I've been lagging behind all this while is acting up on me and making me feel bad for having been like that.

I'm just waiting for the exams to be over so I'll feel good about going out and having fun. Anyway I'm going to leave you all with a few pictures of my younger days! Was looking through them because my dear chinese class decided to do a collage of our younger years as a present for our teacher. And I really enjoyed looking back at a time when I was so innocent and adorable. I seriously wouldn't mind going back to those days when I was just a little girl.

___bland blend

2006-08-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

I'm blending into the NJ culture of studying (okay I'm STARTING to) and the taste of it is horribly bland.

I looked back on my past and I smiled. Sometimes you only treasure things when they become memories. I didn't savour those days, but I'm glad that I'm able to look back with a sense of joy and amusement.

Small little surprises spring themselves on me even amidst this bland life. I hope I don't take these surprises for granted but treasure them well as long as they last. I guess it's important for me now to clear my mind of everything and focus instead on the fact that there is an urgent need to study.

TV programmes really cheer me up, and I always look forward to that timeslot of 7 pm to 11 pm. Everyone seems to have other people being their source of support. I have the TV.

___life for me

2006-08-15T21:35:00.000-07:00

Boring as it is. My life has settled down into something unexciting, without the amount of drama that I'm used to. But perhaps it's good. It's boring in a nice way and at least I don't get the negative kind of drama. (read: quarreling with everybody on earth.) Somehow or other, I'm not thinking deep into minor issues and making a big fuss about stupid stuff and it's helped positively.

I guess this also means that blogging will become less frequent for me simply because I have nothing much to write about. I go to school and try to catch up, come back home and try to do homework but end up watching loads of tv, sleep early and wake up early. Welcome to my LIFE. It's going to be like that for quite some time and I'm longing for the 'A's to be over.

It seems so funny that in this age and time, I still feel that beauty reigns over brains. I mean, if you're pretty and look good, you get so much more attention than one who's smart. Maybe that's why the constant pursue for looking good is never ending. Countless makeup products, skincare products and slimming products which all claim to be THE solution to your problems. It's just too bad that people like me will forever not be placed in the limelight for something as positive as being beautiful. But I'm not giving up on the hope that one day I'll be slim and pretty and much more confident of the image I'm presenting. ONE DAY.

___these days

2006-08-08T09:28:00.000-07:00

I'm in a drug-induced state AGAIN. I don't know why I've been falling sick so much more frequently ever since I entered JC.

Anyway, a short update on these few days. Friday was spent supporting my dear junior charlene for her NP Idol singing competition. She really touched me with her singing this time round, like after so many rounds of seeing her compete, she's improved a lot and learnt how to pour emotions into her singing. Although you didn't win, I must say that you did really well and we're proud of you! (: Continue to shine in your journey as a singer and one day you'll be able to raise the standard of Singapore Idol. haha.

I don't like the idea of people voting for a singer to win. Because it becomes so much more of a popularity contest rather than a respect for talent. I guess voting could be included on a smaller-scale basis, something like 30%. That's why I didn't like the idea of votes being 100% used to decide the winner for that Superband contest. I just couldn't sit back and see an undeserving winner once again, so I voted!! Oh my. I'm glad Milubing won. (:

Today was a happy day. I'm really happy to have such juniors and to have such a wonderful section. Thanks my dear juniors for the treat at Marche! I'm glad to be able to gather with PERCUSSION, to have a good time eating together as always when we have band practice, to laugh and gossip and listen to lame and dirty jokes. I love PERCUSSION!!

PERCUSSION at MARCHE.

Beautiful fireworks to end the day. (:

I wonder how long more it'll be before our next gathering.

___v-night 2006

2006-08-02T06:25:00.000-07:00

Okay I know this is such a late update but I've been really busy! Anyway, the last event of our NJCSB life was over on 29 July. It was a really happy time spent together with the band though, having fun doing silly things.

V-night is something special. It's unique to NJ band, I think. I've never heard of V-night in other school bands before. haha. As I saw the band filled with joy and laughter that day, as all of us worked hard for the preparations, as we made small and stupid talk, as we took tons of pictures and had fun teasing everybody and everyone, I really saw why I love this band so much. It's so joyous being with the people, having fun and creating memories.

The last time the J2s will be able to gather as a large group. The last time we'll walk out of the main gate slowly, chatting and making so much noise. The last time we'll stand there and say bye continously. I guess what makes school life bearable is seeing all these people from my beloved NJ band. The thought of band always puts a smile on my face.

___angst?

2006-07-27T09:23:00.000-07:00

It seems that everyone has gradually turned more aloof and are in bad moods due to the stress piling up on them. I should stop bothering them with my noise and my continuous effort to stop them from looking so glum. Because afterall, it would just make myself unhappy when they respond negatively.

I guess it's time for me to shut my mouth up and wallow in my own world. A world where I take 5 hours to complete a 45-minutes essay, a world where I can be anti-social and watch my DVDs, a world where memories of NJ band and the love for the people there sustain me.

I hate school life because it's so stifling and I have no avenue to be crazy anymore because I don't feel comfortable being like that in class. I foresee that I'm soon going to suffer seriously from band withdrawal symptoms.

___the official end

2006-07-26T08:56:00.000-07:00

AGM put a concrete end to the term of the 05/06 band members. It was all marked out in words, in speeches and there just seemed to be a heavy sense of finality about our journey with NJCSB.

I've really had one of the best experiences of my life in NJ band. This is something non-band members wouldn't be able to understand, I guess. The band life is such a special and unique experience to us, something that we hold dear to our hearts. As for me, I've really enjoyed serving the band as a welfarian and been in love with my dearest percussion section. I know NJ band will never be the same again, that the two years I've gone through can never be recreated. As I step into the band room nowadays, what I see is a totally new and budding band of J1s, and I know that it's all different already. That it's time for us to let go.

I'm willing to let go, to let the J1s learn how to handle everything themselves because soon we'll not even be in NJ anymore. Yet I'm filled with this sense of loss, the fact that everything about this band is going to become memories. I don't know how to put it, but I really feel that NJ band has been a gift in my life. It's kept me going all this while. The people, the music, the laughter, the difficult times. Band life has always been filled with emotions and it's where I pour my heart into.

I'll miss everything. The hard work we have been through as welfarians, working with joanne and whining to her, getting all the events successfully planned and carried out. The fun we had as a section, playing my heart out with percussion, doing our section and ourselves proud with every performance, being such a united section amidst all the disagreements we might have had, loving one another as section mates. The laughter I had with everyone in the band, the several band lunches after band practice, the fact that Saturdays were forever reserved. I'm so afraid that with the end of my journey with NJCSB, everything will become memories and nothing else.

I want to be able to play percussion with my dearest section mates again, I want to be able to rush here and there for the sake of getting things done for the band. Somehow I know it's all over, but I don't want it to be. This beautiful experience has truly been a blessing to me. NJ band is where most of my best friends are, where I want to smile and laugh and scream their names, where so much has happened and bonded all of us together. At least I'm glad that the friendships I've forged will be able to carry me through, even without band anymore.

___GRRRR

2006-07-19T06:06:00.000-07:00

It seems so strange that people equate respect to recognition. I really can't stand these people who forced their decisions on us without even giving us a say. I really can't understand why they keep saying that they KNOW us when they obviously don't. But life is like that I guess. People who are in power have the final say.

I admit I was overly emotional, but it just irked me deeply that everything seems so unfair. The feeling of being looked down upon, not being able to be involved in something that we were supposed to play a big part in, and simply being put down due to no respect given to us at all just got on my nerves. It's so saddening that we were just ignored till the very last stage of decision. And I apologised only for my ill manners, but I must say that I'll never think I'm wrong to say that they don't give us respect.

I feel so demoralised and dejected. Like is this the way it ends? Battered and bruised in trying to fight for ourselves right to the very end. Being constantly looked down on with contempt by these people in power. I don't know what else to say because I just feel so tired of all this.

___random mixed pics

2006-07-18T07:47:00.001-07:00

Haven't been posting pictures of my recent events so here goes!

My fellow welfarian with our stinky banana skin! haha.

My lovely section in our lovely attire at Etude!! Percussion is the best!

My pretty flowers and gifts. Thanks so much for your support!

Clique outing at a Japanese restaurant in Marina Square! I forgot the name again haha.

Our nice dessert!!

My comfort food. REALLY NICE! (:

___grief

2006-07-13T08:25:00.000-07:00

Grief can sometimes be so devastating that it numbs you and chills you to the bone. Grief can take away one's soul and turn your life upside down. I can't really feel the pain, but I feel the sadness. And I hope we helped bring a little normality into that strange and new world of yours. Be strong.

Sometimes I whine and get angsty about school life. And it seems the saddest thing that has happened to me today is my horrible GP results. Oh and the fact that smart people just don't know how to learn to be sensitive people. But I should be glad that I'm leading a typical life of a teenager, and whenever I think about major abstract stuff like LIFE, I don't really think I should be that caught up in getting depressed over results. Because we can change our results, we can work hard towards our aim. But some things just can't be changed at all.

Life presents too many things to us. I should just smile and be my normal crazy self. And anyway, I really miss hanging out with band people!! The happiest time of today was going around to say hi to so many band people. Somehow or other, you all give me a sense of family warmth, of love. (:

___etude 31

2006-07-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

8 July 2006

It was a night of memories. A night that represented so much of our hard work, our struggles, our 2 years in NJ band. It was a night which turned out successful. I was so proud of NJCSB as I stood on that stage, and saw the amazing turnout of audience. I was so proud of us as we gave our best in that Esplanade hall.

We fought so hard for this concert to be staged. All the threats of being unable to do so, the practices which didn't seem to be fruitful at all, and everything that we went through to make the concert presentable. Searching for our attire with repeated visits to Far East Plaza, the ballroom dance, the planning of our percussion ensemble and so much more. It was one of the hardest times I went through. The stress of putting up a concert which would appeal to people was really tough on us.

But we made it afterall. We pulled through with an impressive concert. I'm so touched by all the band members' efforts, the spirit that carried us through. The music was beautiful simply because it was alive with our passion, our love for being in this band. This last concert I'll ever have with NJ band put me through so much, and taught me so many things. I'll never be able to forget this band, which I have such a great love for.

I'll miss performing with NJ band. I'll miss my dearest section the most. We managed to bring on a fantastic show with our ensemble, after all the hard work. We did so much, and I'm so proud of you people. The applause that we got was thunderous. I love you percussion. I love being in such a wonderful section, a section which dares to dream, a section which fought hard for what we wanted and managed to put up a great show amidst all the criticisms and expectations bearing down on us.

I'll forever remember that feeling of overwhelming joy I had on stage. I won't forget this beautiful experience I had. This concert bore the fruit of our tremendous efforts, with so much slogging that we all got extremely tired. Yet we never gave up. I'm really proud of all we've done. Smile, NJCSB. We did it. (:

Here's also a HUGE THANKS to all those who turned up to support me! Thanks for all the sms-es, the cards and notes, the flowers, the gifts. Without you people, Etude 31 wouldn't have been possible. Thanks so much for always rooting behind me all the way. I always feel privileged to be able to perform for you people, and I'm really so grateful for all the joy that you bring to me with your encouragement.

___replying to tags!

2006-07-05T08:58:00.000-07:00

It's the first time I'm replying tags, but seriously I have too many different things to answer to haha.

Rachel:
Yep I have the ticket for you already! (: Only magdalene going with you though. I don't know how to pass you the tickets, so perhaps I'll ask my mum or leave it at the counter. Looking forward to see you there!!

Jason:
Haha haoguang tagged me before already! I'm too lazy to do it another time!

Julian Li:
Hi thanks so much for your offer of taking photos for us! I really appreciate it!! But our band is a symphonic band and not a rock band, do you mind still taking photos for us? It's on this Saturday.. We would really like to keep this concert memorable, as it's the JC2s' last performance, and it's furthermore at esplanade. If you don't mind, I'll email you asap! (:

___overr

2006-07-04T09:13:00.000-07:00

My CTs are finally and officially OVER. I screwed up quite badly though, having lost the momentum to study after the weekend break. Somehow or other, I just felt rather melancholic for not being able to do my best no matter how many times I've told myself to. But it's alright, I guess. As long as it's over.

It's time for me to throw myself into band, to get caught up in that rush of adrenaline preparing for a concert. I want to go up on stage and perform, and allow NJ band to truly shine. Here's a great thanks to all those who are getting excited over our concert, who are constantly expressing their support for me. It's for people like you that I'm proud to be up on stage performing. And I really really hope with all my heart that we won't disappoint, that we'll be able to push the ticket sales even in these last 4 days.

I don't feel like going back to school, somehow or other I wish we could spend these few days going all out for the concert. But there's no such thing in such a rigid education system, where acadamics are always placed as priority.

___liberation

2006-07-01T09:51:00.000-07:00

I had a great time today! Shopping really liberated me from the cage of mugging. I spent the entire day without touching my books! Had band practice and then went shopping. And I shopped so much lugging around heavy bags of clothes that my legs and hands are aching. I realise that shopping means you need a chauffeur, or it means that you need to be rich enough to call for a cab anytime you want.

Anyway, I'm damn sad that I didn't get to go to zara! Went to mango and forever 21 but there's nothing nice left which is also on sale. haha. But the clothes there aren't really my type. I still prefer esprit!! And today's shopping was entirely FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I didn't buy anything for myself! I really want to go shopping again haha. I have so many things I want to buy. Okay I know I sound extremely bimbotic, but shopping managed to lift my spirits up after being depressed yesterday.

I enjoyed band today even amidst this crisis, being back with the beloved people of my life. And I don't know why I'm extremely emotional now as I think about Etude. I think and I think and I must say I'm proud of our band no matter what. We've been through a lot. Let our unity shine through, let the love for being in this band be witnessed by a thousand pairs of eyes.

The only thing that seriously marred my mood today was EXTREMELY POOR CUSTOMER SERVICE shown at a particular shop in town. The fact that we placed our orders 3 weeks ago, and repeatedly told the person the number of scarves that we wanted, did not deter the mistake made in our order. 34 scarves were given when we wanted 48. The panic that we got into didn't make the shop-owner sympathetic at all, rather he kept pushing away his responsibility and saying "too bad". Gosh I wanted to throw everything at him and walk away BUT I couldn't because we badly needed to buy the scarves at a low price that only they offer. I THINK IT'S DAMN RUDE AND IRRITATING FOR SOMEONE TO DO BUSINESS THIS WAY. Not even a sincere sorry was offered for messing up our order. I really think this kind of service doesn't deserve patronage, no matter how competitive the prices of their things are. Service says a lot.

___never ending

2006-06-30T07:52:00.001-07:00

I'm tired. Flurry after flurry of activity keeps piling on to me. And the fact that nothing very pleasant seems to be happening makes me extremely tired. I don't even have time to breathe after the CTs. And now isn't even the end of the CTs yet. There's still a lit paper to go.

It's the first time I've not shouted out in joy at the impending end of my CTs.

I just pray for everything to be fine. I hope things work out. I really really want the end to be memorable for the right reasons. After all that we have gone through, the slogging hard to make so many things work, I don't want everything to end on a negative note. We will pull through. I believe.

Anyway, this is something I've wanted to share for a long time. It really struck me. Such beauty, such innocence.

Taken from Julian Li's website.

___something random

2006-06-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

My parents are overseas for church retreat and the three of us children are stuck home alone. haha. Anyway I'm supposed to do stuff like wash the clothes etc. AND AS I WAS HANGING THE CLOTHES OUT TO DRY, THE END OF MY JEANS HAD A NICE SOAK IN THE FISH POND!! HAHAHA. I threw the jeans back into the washing machine. Oops I think I can't really be a housewife yet.

I remember another time in which I was trying to get a pair of shorts from the bamboo pole and I ended up DROPPING THE POLE INTO THE FISH POND!! AND THERE WAS A NICE LOUD BANG!! Actually I was damn afraid that the fish would die of shock but nothing happened. haha. Maybe this time the detergent from my jeans would poison the fish? Oh no.

Anyway since I'm being random, I shall tell the whole world about my weird nightmare! I dreamt that no one gave me flowers for Etude!!! OH NO THIS IS LIKE SO SAD. But it's alright because my mum promised to buy flowers for me so I guess it won't come true HAHA.

___band camp 06!

2006-06-09T09:49:00.000-07:00

It's been a camp of emotions. I think I'm someone being constantly bombarded by emotions. Hurt, anger, irritation, disappointment, joy, excitement, boredom. Somehow or other, I've been through quite a lot this camp.

It's only when you're among the planners that you realise how hard it is to get everything running smoothly when you don't even have the support of the people who are supposedly on your side. It gets really demoralising to see us being so disunited, and I'm seriously becoming very disillusioned with stuff like that. How some people can simply be so irresponsible and not take the initiative to do things, or to be concerned about things. It gets on my nerves, but it's just not in me to go up to them and confront them about it. So I end up whining to everyone! And I feel so bad for saying bad things about people. It seems like recently I just have a lot of negative things to say about people. Argh it's not a good sign at all.

I think I'm an extremely quarrelsome person and I hate being like that. But I don't know why I always end up the one involved in quarrels with people. It makes me wonder if I'm a hateful person. My new resolution for the year is to stop quarreling with people and to tolerate anybody whom I get irritated with so I won't go around complaining about that person. Okay this is rather hard for me to stick to but I shall just TRY. I feel bad sometimes when I go on and on about negative things seen in people, because it's just so vindictive.

Anyway, band camp was still a good learning experience. The intensive practice helped quite a bit in focussing our efforts on playing better. And camp is always a time to bond people together, especially between the J1s and the J2s. I think I got to know a few more people better. Exco games was okay in the end, not as scary being ghosts as much as I thought it would be. Maybe it was because jiamin was there to keep me and cindy company! Hmmm I'm really grateful to this girl for doing our makeup because it turned out so successful in the end! Anyway, I think I'm not a very frightening ghost. And seriously I perpetually kept my head down because I was really trying to control my laughter! haha. It's just so funny seeing people so scared of me because I'm usually taken as a living joke.

One more thing down. Getting closer and closer to Etude. I seriously think there's a lack of time and I'm just on my nerves because everything is moving ahead so fast.

___tired

2006-06-03T23:11:00.000-07:00

I'm really quite tired from being so occupied recently. I'm like bogged down by so many things that I don't even have time to think about stuff, which is my favourite past-time. Anyway I think I've been drowning in emotions. It's rather overwhelming to have to learn how to cope with people and things while being extremely busy with band stuff at the same time.

Band camp starts tomorrow and I haven't started packing yet. And I bet I'll surely forget to bring something. It always turns out like that. And the camp is going to be so stressful because we have to finish a lot of stuff within these 3 days. I think everyone is stressed out now because our conductor isn't too pleased with us. Sigh how I really hope the band is able to perform up to standard and not disappoint him.

Anyway here's a shout-out to the a02 people: So sorry for not turning up at the chalet last minute! But I had something much more important to attend to. Just really sorry that I couldn't join you all.

It's now 2 pm and I'm going to SLEEP because I slept very little last night. Had a really good talk with jiamin. (:

___frustrated

2006-05-31T08:45:00.000-07:00

I seriously didn't want to blog about this. Because I hate blogging about sensitive issues. But I just don't think it's very fair to me.

Sometimes when people snap unknowingly, they think back about it and they realise that they weren't very right at that point in time. But I guess it just didn't run through your head to consider the things you said, the tone you used. And the only reason why I didn't want to bring it up is because I know that bringing it up would just make you more pissed off and irritated. Is it so wrong to just vent my own frustration in my own way? And perhaps if you think about it, you would realise that what I do is so similar to the way you vent your anger too.

I'm not trying to say that I should be absolved of all blame. But I really hope you would stop thinking that all I want to do is to go against you. I don't want to. It's just that at times like this, maybe thinking into things is a good thing to do. Because I'm stuck in a rut. I know that saying it out would make you pissed off, and not saying means that I will be in a perpetual bad mood. Would you really rather have me point it out straight in our face? Wouldn't you hate that even more? Withdrawing into a bad mood towards you is just to escape for a while. And I choose to be in a bad mood only towards you because I don't think it's fair to the rest if I do that to them. If I can't even do that, what else can I do? Act all smiley though I'm just not feeling like it?

I've let go so many times, times which perhaps you don't know about and you never thought about. All I want to say is that it's not just effort on your part, that I do struggle too. So many times I've felt like bursting out in anger too, but I just kept it inside me. Is it fair for you to announce to me that you're about to do that?

I've been feeling so left out recently and it's a sad feeling.

___hmmmm

2006-05-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

It's funny how I don't feel that comfortable with the old 05A02 people anymore though I keep saying that I miss the old class. I guess what I miss is the memory. The memory of us having fun and being one class. But I don't need it to come back to me anymore, because I know that it will never be the same. That's why I have accepted that these 2 classes I'm experiencing in JC are actually very different, and they're both beautiful in their own ways. It's the fun in the first three months I miss, that carefree feeling. That's quite all.

Anyway the choir concert Cantabile XX was totally fantastic! I admire the control of their voices, the beautiful and lilting songs which are still haunting me now. I was really touched by their music, by all the effort put in for this performance which is the J2s' last performance. And I'm also stressed out now for Etude. haha. As sara put it, everything just seems to be coming to an end. When a concert ends, it means the J2s are performing for the last time and stepping down. It's just a sense of sadness that everything has to come to an end sooner or later.

I hope Etude makes an impact on the band members' lives. And I really hope we can wake up and work hard, to not disappoint Mr Ho. It makes me quite sad to see how the band seems so lethargic and unmotivated that we play bad-sounding music. Start working now for that fantastic performance we know we can put up at the esplanade!

___THE 27th OF MAY!!

2006-05-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

Happy 18th birthday to my dearest joanne auntiess!! (: I'm glad you had a great time after all the PMS you had in the morning. Yay I'm really very happy that everything turned out totally perfect in the end, because we had a rather stressful time planning everything! And I'm glad you like our storybook too. haha.

It's been slightly more than a year of friendship for us, and I really don't know how to express the gratitude I feel sometimes for you just being there. It's like I can always depend on you to lend me a listening ear about everything. You can tolerate how whiny I am, and you can always make me laugh with your stupid actions. I never expected to make such a GREAT friend so soon in NJ, but I did! And it really comforts me to know that if I'm feeling down, all I have to do is to pick up the phone and call you, and you won't mind being my listener. Thanks so much for giving me the emotional support I need. I don't know what I would do without you and the rest of AH! to fill up my life. I love you to bits and pieces my dearest joanne!! MUACKSSS!!

The story of joanne's birthday:

Joanne started off being very moody in the morning.

Then she became a bit happier when we gave her a brownie birthday cake.

And she grew happier when we brought her to Sentosa and gave her the storybook!

She became extremely happy and excited when we finally reached the dolphin lagoon and she got picked to interact with the dolphins! (she got chosen out of hundreds of people!)

AH! with the beautiful sunset. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ONCE AGAIN JOANNE!! I hope the 5 of us will be able to celebrate more birthdays to come together. Every birthday of ours is such a special and unforgettable experience.

___belated pics

2006-05-24T07:58:00.000-07:00

Haha I wanted to post this right after College Day and our holiday on Monday, but I was really too tired and busy to do so. Anyway, here are a few pictures! It's the last time we're wearing NJ's totally red and outstanding blazers.

My really funny section.

AH! trying to act cool and trying to look like mafia.

Section outing at Kbox on our holiday! Yay I love percussion. (:

___rest!!

2006-05-19T07:24:00.000-07:00

It has been a REALLY tiring week, filled with College Day rehearsals which make me go home so late. I need sleep rather badly. And what I crave for is to sleep as long as I want for a day! It's been a long time since I could wake up at like 12 noon. And I'm afraid I won't even get to do so during the holidays because there's make-up lessons and a truckload of band practices. I'm going to be SO BUSY.

I don't like spoilt brats because they kick up a big fuss about being pushed out of their comfort zone, even by a teeny weeny bit. And they love getting their way and they refuse to accommodate to others and they don't hold respect for leaders because they're simply too full of themselves. Behaviour really reflects a person's character and sometimes I feel that pompous people like these are so irritating that they can just get lost and disappear.

Tomorrow is finally College Day and this burden will be gone soon! But I have to wear STOCKINGS!! Gosh I can just imagine how hot I'll be, what with wearing a blazer too. But anyway I realise that my going home late every day won't stop with the end of college day because I still have night band practices! I don't know when I can finally get rest.

___a day for mums

2006-05-14T08:27:00.000-07:00

Happy mothers' day to all the mums out there! I think I'm considered one too in my chinese classmates' eyes because to them I'm called "sheng mu" which is literally translated into "holy MOTHER". haha I guess only they will understand this rather elusive joke.

I realise I still have a fear of the stage. And I really don't like public speaking because it makes me so nervous and tremble quite badly. I've gotten so used to performing in a group and having that sense of security in numbers that it's getting very hard for me to go solo. I'm not really trained to do so unlike so many Arts people. Maybe it's time for me to face up to this innate fear in me and start speaking up more.

I'm so terribly sleepy now but I can't allow myself to go and sleep!! It's all my fault for procrastinating but I really do hate homework with a vengeance. Now I've ended up with so much to do at this late time of 11.30 pm. SIGH.

___remembering

2006-05-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

This made me remember. This made me smile.

___finally

2006-05-10T08:16:00.000-07:00

I'm finally updating about this rather eventful week. I've been too tired to do so! Sectionals is rather tiring because it's back to the basics. Playing strokes and looking at my FAT arms wobble. ):

I guess blogs are really public afterall, and I should expect unexpected visitors. It's just that I don't quite like the idea of someone in higher authority presiding over even this part of my life. Maybe it's time for me to be less open about the things which make me so emotional. Like my class. But seriously, it's just teenage angst on my part.

My life is so full of drama that it's no wonder I'm such a drama person. In class, in band, and even at home. I sort of miss my lonely Tuesdays, when I could just interact with myself in peace. HAHA. There comes a time when all this drama and high tension will make me feel like I'd rather be a recluse, because it's getting too much for me.

P.S. I MISS RV!!! This is like the first time in so long that I've had this thought running through my head. RV seemed so much less angsty and happier when in class. And I MISS RV BAND!! Especially huiwen and chuanyuan, people who are like family to me, who went through the tough times together. I love our dramatic playing style and competing to see whose strokes are the fastest. I miss the feeling of belonging to a band together with them.

___THIS day

2006-05-05T10:04:00.000-07:00

5th May. On this day last year, NJ band competed in the SYF to get a Gold with Honours. I won't ever forget the euphoria, the indescribable feeling of one-ness with the band on that unforgettable day. When we played our hearts out and felt so proud to be part of the band.

Etude is coming soon. I guess we have to really bond as ONE band to be able to play with as much emotion as we did on that SYF day. I'm looking at a timetable of my school life in which there'll be band practice or sectionals every day. At least I don't have to be in the class perpetually, at least band is where I can see positive feelings and genuinely happy smiles on people's faces.

I should really stop wasting my time by worrying about the world I live in and just make the best out of what I have.

___doubts

2006-05-04T08:42:00.000-07:00

GP just has a way of creating an impact on me. Doubts are exposed through questions and more questions. The word 'why' doesn't actually resolve anything because it just leads to more questions as we delve deeper into abstract issues. Major things like God and love, things which I totally believe in, were torn apart today into assumptions and evidence.

To me, simple faith works the best. I believe because I have faith in God. I feel His love. People go through rough patches in their walk with God, just like I used to have a time of wandering away. A long time of 4 years. But I came back to Him afterall. I guess as long as you have once experienced His love, it's enough for you to hang on in there for that. Cling on to that innocent child-like faith, the Sunday school songs in their plain simplicity which speak so much.

Love has always been something great to me. Something beautiful, something that can bring people together. Is it really true that people love due to an inherent selfish nature? I seriously can't bring myself to believe that. I do believe in unconditional love. But I totally agree that the inequality of love brings about mismatched expectations, leading to conflict. "The heart has 2 passions: one is to love, the other is to be loved". The level of love each party expects might be different. I don't think I'm noble enough to love only without being loved back in return. Maybe that's why I bring a lot of problems to myself by expecting too much.

People need love, especially in this world of upset-ness.

___the world

2006-05-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

I'm living in a warped world. A world filled with people whom I think I know, but I don't know. A world in which people are upset and hide ten thousand things to themselves. I guess I never really experienced this kind of a world before. It seemed so much more simpler in secondary school.

I'm living in a damn screwed-up class. A shattered class full of broken people. And all I want to do is to escape. To run away from the entire oppressive atmosphere of pure existensialism. I exist without being either happy or sad in the class. I exist for the sake of existing. Can one really manage to live without feelings for an extended period of time? I miss the old 05A02 so badly that it hurts. I long for the joy we shared, the fooling around and not thinking too much.

I guess I really am old. I see the world now so cynically. I see it full of sad people. It's taking its toil on me. I want everything to be simple again. I finally see the beauty of simplicity.

___blargh

2006-05-02T08:03:00.000-07:00

I came back from my KL trip yesterday! Shall blog about it another time because I'm too lazy to upload the photos. Anyway I basically shopped and ate my entire trip away! But it took my mind off quite some stuff, just being out of my familiar country.

This year has been an emotional rollercoaster for me so far. Perhaps it has been so for many people. Sometimes people just aren't what they seem because they have another side to them. This hidden side which no-one really knows about. I guess that's why JC friends are actually so new, becaue we don't know the history behind them. We don't know what shit they went through in secondary school, or even in primary school. No-one seems to have a clean slate.

I feel so much pain for you. And I'm willing to be here for you if it makes you feel better.

___weirdness

2006-04-27T08:41:00.000-07:00

As I sat drinking my low-class iced coffee at a kopitiam today, this entire list of questions suddenly ran through my head.

Why do you assume the straw is clean? (I was biting on the straw. haha.)
Oh, and in the first place why do you even assume that the cup is clean?
And if you agree that the cup might be dirty, why do you dare to drink the coffee since it will most likely be dirty too?

SOCRATIC QUESTIONING!! GP has invaded my personal space. This is getting scary. I think I've been doing too much GP homework and I really hate doing it because it's all so technical and I hate technical stuff.

Sometimes confusion occurs and confusion persists. And it makes the entire situation seem so confusing that I simply can't cope. I guess this week hasn't been that easy for me because it's a period of adjusting to differences and trying to calm negative feelings. I just want to struggle through all this shit and be normal again. I really don't want to put on a facade but sometimes I just have to.

___aristal

2006-04-21T08:44:00.000-07:00

I guess for me, Chinese Dance really shone through the entire concert. I felt that they exuded grace, charm and such passionate feelings when they danced. It's been a few years of seeing wanzhen dance up on stage, and it's always touching to see her perform. It never fails to touch me. (:

Anyway, as the concert was nearing the end, what sara said kept echoing through my mind. I don't want it to end. That feeling of leaving such a group of people who share your passion, that feeling of saying bye to such a beautiful experience. I really don't want my journey with NJ band to end too.

Sometimes people regret decisions that they make, or they force themselves to make decisions that they know they don't really like. Maybe the only thing to guide you would be the question: Are you really happy with making this decision? Or maybe I'm just a person who follows her heart too much.

___SILENT SCREAM

2006-04-19T09:53:00.000-07:00

I've been so distracted today. Can't even focus on playing well in band that I made so many mistakes. Oh well, I guess I have to learn to FOCUS despite the things that are clouding my head and bothering me immensely. haha me and jiamin come from IMH! Because today we were just not mentally present in band and we looked so off.

I guess when people grow up and are filled with different experiences in their lives, they become much more at ease and in touch with who they are. HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dearest mummy.

I'm one very emotional person.

___DUMPY

2006-04-18T08:45:00.000-07:00

I'm not in the best of moods. I don't think anyone in my shoes would be. I'm so damn bloody tired of everything negative now that's happening in my life. Really feeling so drained and weary that I don't mind sleeping for a few days straight, just to escape everything and to get my much-needed rest.

Sometimes people claim that they understand you, but it's never right to say that you can truly understand someone's feelings. Because people are so complex. Perhaps there is more to me than what some people may assume me to be. That's why I think communication is always important in any friendship, if not time will sooner or later do the revealing of someone's other side of his/her character.

I'm really tired. And at the rate I'm tiring out, someday I'll not give a damn about this anymore. Please catch me before I give up on everything.

___ugh

2006-04-17T08:42:00.000-07:00

Went to send off the choir people today. They're off to Verona! I felt so excited for them, and so envious at the same time. I really had this inane urge to jump into the departure hall and just leave together with them! haha. Really thirsting to escape Singapore for a while and leave this place of boredom. I WANT TO GO OVERSEAS!!

Going to the airport again made me miss the times when NJ band roamed that place just before our flight, and also the times that we went to send off our seniors. The airport is a beautiful place for me, because of all the memories. But then again, I guess when people start to go overseas to study after the 'A's, it will hold memories of teary farewells instead.

I just need to escape, to breathe amidst all the emotions that are drowning me. I'm afraid to face up to negativity.

___overr

2006-04-14T10:57:00.000-07:00

I can't deny that I was totally upset yesterday. Who wouldn't be anyway? But I got over it afterall. Maybe God is trying to tell me that I shouldn't take my results for granted, like how I've successfully gone to all the schools that I've wanted to so far. Somehow it gives me a little motivation to study harder.

I'm just glad that I have friends to support me whenever I'm down. To give me hugs and tissue. haha. I'm glad for those who had the patience to listen to me pour out my feelings, to be at my side when I was feeling a total wreck.

I'm passionate about bringing out the best in people. Maybe that's why I'm rather harsh at times. I guess I shouldn't expect people to fully understand how I'm like that. I should really work on being more sincere and humble.

___HAHA

2006-04-14T02:31:00.000-07:00

LOOK AT WHAT WE DID!!!

X-RAYfied

Swimming in our fish bowl

Guess who??

More normal pictures. (: On this note, Joanne where have you gone to?? We shall dedicate this entry to you.

___throw it down

2006-04-10T07:47:00.000-07:00

I'm enjoying shopping in a different league now. I like shopping for percussion instruments! haha. It opens my eyes up to a whole new world of percussion instruments beyond those I know. Like there are all kinds of instruments which produce unique sounds and are absolutely amazing. Today I got fascinated by the thunder tube. SO COOL!

I'm just going to throw my entire self into band, to devote all my attention to band so I don't have to bother about anything else. I want to throw down everything negative that's plaguing me and focus solely on band. To put up great performances, to enjoy the music, and to drown myself in the entire dedication that band requires. I hope it makes me feel better.

I hate trying so hard.

A living joke.

Distance.

Silence.

___feelings

2006-04-08T09:14:00.000-07:00

Welcome back NJ band. You're back in form again, after having dwindled for a few months. Your playing of Final Fantasy almost made me cry today. That's the feeling. The feeling of being touched by music, the overwhelming emotion of awe at how beautiful a piece of music can be. Band is really the light of my life. Perhaps without it to give me a sense of direction, I would be one very unhappy person now. It's my outlet for all the emotions I experience. I really love band so much. And all the band people matter the most to me.

Maybe I don't quite believe that 'opposites attract' because hard work is always needed to resolve inherent differences between 2 people. And with that hard work comes a barrage of insecure feelings, which just serves to tire people out. I'm tired now.

Love and hate can both blind people.

___i can't help it

2006-04-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

Music is a language, but a language of the intangible, a kind of soul-language.
-Edward MacDowell (American composer and pianist, 1861 - 1908)

I can't help but not understand some people at all.

I can't help but feel irritated and angry at some people.

I can't help but feel totally hurt at times.

I can't help but spill out my feelings because I can't bottle up my feelings for long.

I can't help but always hope for something good to happen.

I can't help but feel disappointed when it doesn't.

I can't help being as petty as I am.

I can't help it. I can't help being so me.

___grrr

2006-04-05T07:48:00.000-07:00

I'm in a totally bad mood. Grrr this sarks. Damn it I don't even know if I have a basis to be so angry in the first place.

But there's always a limit to everything. Don't cross that boundary which separates joking from insulting. I FEEL INSULTED GET IT? Suddenly all the criticisms are piling up from everyone on me and I just can't take it anymore. You might think that it's simply joking but in fact it has crossed over to negativity. Stop treating me like an object with no feelings. Please draw that line and give me respect.

ARGH I'M SO IRRITATED. And I don't care I'm going to rant all I want here because this is my blog and I have a right to express my anger. I do snap, you know. It doesn't mean that I'm usually jovial means I allow you to bully me.

This is so so frustrating. It's going to take me some time to get out of this horribly bad mood.

___catching up

2006-04-01T08:12:00.000-08:00

The Moulmein concert today was a good experience. Not mainly because of the music (although I must say they played quite well and their repertoire is good!) but because I got to meet so many people whom I've not seen for quite some time.

I really miss the seniors. NJ band just doesn't seem that right without the seniors around to play with us anymore. I miss chatting to them with such a comfortable flow of conversation, laughing with them at stupid things and being crazy along with them. I felt so at ease with them today, even though we haven't met for quite some time. Somehow the entire NJ band now is not as homely as it used to be, with the juniors not yet warming up. Ahh I really long for the band of 2005, but I know the new band will have its plus points too and I'm looking forward to that.

I'm getting busier now with the planning for Etude, the band camp and the percussion ensemble. Hopefully things run smoothly, especially the percussion ensemble. I really hope that my dearest section can put up a show that will stun the audience. AHHHH I can feel stress coming.

___dance

2006-03-30T07:44:00.000-08:00

The dance workshop today was rather inspiring. Because it gave me some sort of motivation to take up a dance class (maybe salsa) so that I can really learn how to dance! haha. Everyone stop laughing at me.

Anyway I've like already decided to take up dance lessons after Etude is over. Which means it'll be during the mugging season for 'A's. But who on earth spends 24 hours studying? I've decided that the dancing will be a break for me from all that studying I will have to do. The thought of having something else to do besides mug cheers me up immensely.

I love my practical driving lessons. It gives me fulfillment and excitement in a life which is so mundane and dreary. Somehow or another, I'm starting to develop a cynical view of friendship. And this doesn't make my life any better. So driving keeps me happy in a way. And I wonder sometimes about how easy it is to start and sustain a conversation with my driving instructors but it's not that easy with some friends.

Why do I seem to be seeking solace in such tangible things? Like learning all sorts of new things. Is it because the intangible stuff have disappointed me in one way or another? I really don't know.

___questions

2006-03-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

So many questions, all unanswered. All because I don't dare to ask. Would you tell your friend if something worth mentioning happens in your life? I guess so right? But it doesn't seem to be so. It's alright. What can I do? Everyone has his/her own freedom and I would be so insensitive if I started to probe. It's just making me feel so so uneasy and I feel like asking but I don't dare to.

It's a slacky enrichment week for me and driving is the the only thing keeping me entertained. This week is just making me feel so empty, like something's missing in my life. (NO it's not studies!) Maybe it just boils down once again to the fact that I have too much time to think about stuff now.

I'm bored. And hungry (went without dinner). And sleeping can solve all of that, because it's already at a time of 2 am. Yet I can't sleep. Just wondering.

And wondering.

Maybe if blogs didn't exist I would be happier living in ignorance.

___tagged!

2006-03-25T09:32:00.000-08:00

5 random/weird things about me:

1. I would really go for slimming treatment if I could afford it.

2. I have a tendency to fall asleep while watching movies.

3. Sometimes I may be angry/displeased with you, but if I choose not to say it, I don't think you'll ever know.

4. I need nail therapy before exams! Means I need to clip all my nails. Sort of makes me feel better. haha.

5. I want to try all of Singapore's different xiao long baos and then decide which is my favourite!

And I've decided not to specifically tag anyone because I'm too lazy to tag people's boards. haha. So this is open to anyone who wants to do it! It's quite fun actually. (:

___over!!

2006-03-24T09:05:00.000-08:00

Phew. My common tests are finally over. FIVE DAYS of writing essays. So tortorous! I'm glad it's over. But it's seriously only the start of everything else that's going to come this year. Booo. I'm already dying.

It's alright! I can go wreak havoc for a few days before the entire mundane routine of school settles back into place. Next week is enrichment week! How happy can I be. haha. It's going to be fun having no strings attached to me for one week at least. I dread the return of school. Everyone's going to hound me for undone homework.

Today I had my hopes dashed once again. I never ever learn my lesson. It's never good to have expectations, because I'll be the one being affected in the end. Totally disillusioned.

You are my ice kachang
So inviting and sweet
NOT.

___ARGHH

2006-03-17T08:08:00.000-08:00

I'm in the midst of studying/mugging/being a nerd/having no life.

Okay, I think I had better admit to the fact that actually I've been rotting. Because nothing gets into my head even as I stare at the notes! ARGH. I really hate this.

Studying sarks. It induces sleep. It induces hunger (thus making me eat more and grow fat). It makes words, numbers and graphs swim haphazardly in your head. It sucks the life out of you. I think I'm not cut out for mugging.

Oh yah, to Haoguang: Wait till I'm free and I'll play your 'tagged' game ok! haha. (:

___a special 11th march!

2006-03-11T07:51:00.000-08:00

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR LALA!!! (:

You're 18! And what a special day it is, because it's International Women's Day. I hope you liked how we surprised you at the start of your birthday! I think the entire process was so funny. How we placed the gloomy bear soft toy right in front of your house (I thought it was rather creepy), how we rang the doorbell then ran away to hide, how you took so long to get to the door, how the cake smashed a little on joanne's shirt! haha. We were really happy to see you so surprised at our appearance, and how you kept laughing when you saw us with the cake and present. I don't know why you didn't cry, because you were supposed to be touched! haha. But since you said that you were happy, it's alright.

And your birthday gave us such a memorable time too. The first time AH! ever stayed over together. I really love you lala. For being part of such a wonderful group of friends. For being who you are. For always being willing to listen to my whinings and complaints without asking me to shut up. For being such a nice chatting partner. I hope you enjoyed your Spageddies lunch with us, the beautiful bouquet of tulips and our midnight surprise. Have a wonderful year ahead!!

___clique outing!

2006-03-04T08:16:00.000-08:00

Yay the clique finally got to go out together today! Me and chong wanted to surprise yuqi for her belated birthday dinner and we found a place at Sentosa - Coastes. I loved the ambience! And it was just so comfortable being the three of us just enjoying the sunset (which was covered by the clouds) and having our dinner right beside the beach. The food was great too. It was a perfect place for a beach babe like yuqi. haha. I hope you had a wonderful time with us!

The Clique. I can't do without you all. I guess I really need time together with the 2 of you to feel relaxed and totally at home. It's just like growing up with indispensable people. And I really hope to see us strolling down the beach at sunset even when we reach the age of 20, 30, 40 etc. haha. Like yuqi said, we can hold our walking sticks and hobble along the beach when we become very old.

Wind caressing our hair, walking barefoot and feeling the sand underneath our feet, smiling and chatting as we walk and walk. I love us as ONE. (:

___random post

2006-03-03T06:13:00.000-08:00

Warning: This post will really be full of random thoughts.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY YUQI!! You and your HUGE presents. I hope you enjoyed this day! I love you! (: And you're now the same age as me. haha.

I jumped like 147 cm for my trial standing broad jump today. It's horribly pathetic! I wonder how I'm going to pass my NAPFA.

I don't like people who don't like me. I don't like people who act hoity-toity. I don't like people who stare at me through slit eyes. AHHH. I don't like you.

I guess socialising with strangers will forever be something that I'll try hard to achieve. It's so awkward for me, but when in society, it's something that is seriously needed.

I'm glad percussion is having weekly sectionals! And I hope we have more juniors.

___thinking

2006-02-27T07:39:00.000-08:00

I think that I think too much. haha. It's like my days in school are spent stoning while random thoughts just fly around in my head. And everyone says that I think too much.

Anyway, is thinking too much good or bad? I mean, it allows me to reflect on myself and others. But on the other hand, it makes me brood too much over small issues, so much so that I become petty. Sometimes I wish I didn't have so many thoughts in my head. Maybe that's why I sleep so much. Because sleeping is the only time when I'm really tuned out of this world.

Stop throwing tantrums at us. I really dislike you for doing that.

___yayy

2006-02-24T08:19:00.000-08:00

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY CAIJIE!!

Yay I'm so glad that everything was a real surprise for you! And I loved the cake. Dome cake! haha. Have a wonderful year ahead being 18! You can go clubbing with me and ah sam now. I suddenly realise that half the J2s in our section are legal but the other half has to wait SOOO long.

This year has been a year of happening birthday celebrations. Jiamin and I have decided to become event planners! Because it makes us so happy to see a successful celebration. And because we're always the ones thinking of what to do for people's birthdays. (:

Anyway, I felt rather drug-induced the entire day. Floating around in a world of drugs because of all the medicine. It's not a good feeling. Hopefully the effect wears off soon.

___falling sick

2006-02-23T07:12:00.000-08:00

I've been falling sick so much more frequently ever since I entered JC. The hectic life taking its toil on me? Or is it simply tempting to fall sick so that I can miss school? (Sometimes illness works psychologically, you see.) I really don't know.

Anyway, I've been spending so much on medical fees that I feel really useless for having to visit the doctor so many times. And I feel guilty for making my mum spend so much. Argh. And I can't go without seeing a doctor because I need the MC as a valid reason to be absent from school. This really sarks.

All the medicine is making me feel drowsy and lightheaded. It's making my stomach feel weird. Strangely enough, I'm longing for Mcdonald's pancakes! haha. But it only sells up till 11 am and I think I won't be up that early tmr. :(

___grahh

2006-02-20T07:02:00.000-08:00

When you love someone, I guess you'll tend to hate him/her too. It's sort of like seeing a perfectly flawless complexion and growing used to it, until suddenly a pimple pops out and you're not used to it at all. The pimple stares you in the eye and you just can't seem to ignore it. You get so highly irritated with it that you just can't accept its presence.

Okay, that was a totally weird analogy. But I seem to find that in so many cases, it's true. Flaws just stand out glaringly. It's so hard to deal with, and I think the only way would be to use a concealer to hide the pimple. Accept its presence and soften the impact. Ahh sometimes I hate myself for being unable to do that, for allowing myself to be deeply affected.

Presentations are snowballing onto me. Snowballs once again. I'm tired of having to deal with snowballs. I simply have this sluggish feeling in me which is making me numb to everything. Not bothering at all about all the supposed stress and all the deadlines. Move ahead, move ahead! Telling myself to feel a bit of the sense of urgency that I'm supposed to have.

How I wish I can be understood, how I wish I can be heard. How I wish people would show a bit more interest in my life than me just simply rattling on to an empty-hearted audience.

___happy v-day!

2006-02-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

It's a much happier Valentine's Day this year, compared to last year in which I was really wallowing in self-pity about being single. Yet I got to celebrate single-hood this year with 4 wonderful people! I'm glad to have AH! together with me on this special day. Getting so high, chattering endlessly, laughing like mad and just being crazy. It's good to go out again just as a group of 5. It seems a long time since we had done so. I love all of you!!

You all light up my life! (:

This year, the most touching thing was what Brynner and Sheng did. Ordering a delivery of flowers to be sent to the school for all the girls of A02 (first 3 months). It was so unexpected. Such a sweet surprise. Memories of last year filled my head, when V-day was spent with the wonderful people who made up our once-in-a-lifetime experience of a class. I suddenly missed all of those who left. I miss Brynner's humour which always managed to bring excitement to the dull life of NJ, Sheng's presence as the CT rep who always brought enthusiasm to the class. So many more people: Cassie, Liyana, Ruth, Rhoda, Natalie, Charmaine. We were such a perfect class. Happy V-day to all of you! I love you all with a special place in my heart.

___funny!

2006-02-11T08:20:00.000-08:00

Me and steph were being interviewed today after attending Jack Neo's talk.

And the interviewer asked: Oh so do you have kids?

I was like shocked into a minute of silence. KIDS?!?!

Ahh do I really look that old?? I'm a pre-marital mum. I should have said steph's my kid. HAHA.

Anyway, this is so random but I hate my tagboard. I want it changed!

___settling down

2006-02-10T08:33:00.000-08:00

I'm finally settling down into this 2nd year of JC life. It's sort of slow yet calm, like rocking in a boat. Basically not as exciting as last year, but rather pleasant in its own way. At least I get time to do things, because my timetable isn't that bad and I don't end school everyday after 4 pm.

I'm starting practical driving lessons soon. Almost everybody is discouraging me, because we need to study, and I really don't know if I've made the right decision. Anyway, if nothing goes wrong, and I manage to pass the first time (which is like SO HARD!!), I'll be able to get my licence in June! This is so unbelievable. hahas.

Sometimes I just can't help but envy others' lives. How they manage to make their life so exciting and happening. Going clubbing, being noticed by both guys and girls, simply having fun. Being forever part of the 'in' crowd. I always admire people who can pull it off, appearing so glamorous. But I realise that it all boils down to treasuring what you have. Some things just manage to throw you into thinking deep about how your life is actually one that is unique in its own way. I've learnt to appreciate what I have, to give thanks that I even have these things.

___The Mess of Love

2006-02-04T07:43:00.000-08:00

Here's a poem I read which struck me as so true. What exactly is love? We seem to have changed the pure essence of it.

The Mess of Love - D. H. Lawrence

We've made a great mess of love
Since we made an ideal of it.

The moment I swear to love a woman, a certain woman, all my life
That moment I begin to hate her.

The moment I even say to a woman: I love you! ---
My love dies down considerably.

The moment love is an understood thing between us, we are sure of it,
It's a cold egg, it isn't love any more.

Love is like a flower, it must flower and fade;
If it doesn't fade, it is not a flower,
It's either an artificial rag blossom, or an immortelle, for the cemetery.

The moment the mind interferes with love, or the will fixes on it,
Or the personality assumes it as an attribute, or the ego takes possession of it,
It is not love any more, it's just a mess.
And we've made a great mess of love, mind-perverted, will-perverted, ego-perverted love.

___all about school

2006-02-02T08:17:00.000-08:00

School spoils the mood to be a happy, carefree soul.

Which is how I felt temporarily during the long holiday break due to Chinese New Year.

I realise that I can't continue sleeping, no matter how much I want to. Is it really time to wake up? Is it now?

Yet I can't drag myself off the bed.

___18th birthday!

2006-01-30T08:58:00.000-08:00

A happy 18th birthday to me! It's the happiest and most wonderful birthday I've ever had in my entire life. So memorable and enjoyable, being surrounded by friends who love me and whom I love. I'm really so touched by all the effort that you all have put in, especially AH! for the video.

THANKS SO MUCH TO AH! I love the 4 of you so much. It's been really wonderful having all of you as my best friends in band. Thanks for all the hard work you all put in to make my birthday such an unforgettable one! I really don't know how to express my gratitude and love for you all. Just want to say that my life has been brightened up so much more because of four friends whom I truly believe are the loves of my life. Thanks for always being there for me, for bringing so much laughter to my days, and for just being people whom I'm so at ease with. I love you all loads and loads and loads. (:

Thanks to all the others who appeared at this "surprise" birthday party of mine! It was great seeing you all today! To ashley, melvin, vanessa, peiying, caijie, jiamin, steph, beng ah: Thanks so so much! Thanks for being part of my most wonderful birthday ever! I really appreciate your presence. HUGSSS!! Thanks to my dearest percussion-mates, who have made our section such a fantastic one! For allowing me to be crazy during band practices and not bashing me up. hahas. Thanks to steph!! For being such a great friend and classmate. It's really heartening to find such a soulmate in class and I enjoy your presence EVERYDAY! Thanks to beng ah and christine, who laugh together with me and allow me to have so much fun!!

Here's also a BIG thanks to all who wished me happy birthday either through sms or online messaging! Thanks for that thought of yours.

I'm a blessed girl. To be surrounded by such great love of my friends. And I want to say that without you all, I wouldn't be smiling so blissfully now, feeling so touched by everything. Thanks so muchh. For loving me, for cherishing me. (:

___reflection

2006-01-28T09:23:00.000-08:00

It's the eve of chinese new year. People say that this day is a special day because it's a day for reflecting upon the past year. Well, I think I seriously don't want to blog about my entire past year in one entry, so I shall not. haha.

But I would really like to say a sorry for everything wrong I've done this year, especially in this month. Sorry for being so demanding, for expecting so much, for being so whiney and irritating. I've realised how unappreciative I've been. And I regret it. Just want to tell all my friends that having all of you around is enough for me. Seriously I don't need gifts. Because your love for me is a gift in itself, and I'm glad for all of you. I think it was stupid of me to think otherwise, and I really feel so guilty now.

Anyway, I went to Chinatown for the countdown. Strange how I didn't go for the New year countdown, but went for the CNY one instead. It was a totally new experience, and I rather enjoyed it. It was really squeezy. haha. And my mum was like helping me to push away all the men who seemed to come too close, but seriously in that crowd, everybody was sticking to everyone else. So i told my mum not to be so violent because it's a futile attempt. hahas. The firecrackers and fireworks were beautiful. (:

A happy chinese new year to all of you!!

___people

2006-01-24T07:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, when you look deeper at the interaction between a group of people, you'll realise that there's a subtle tension present. This tension makes you re-think what your impression of their relationship is like. Is it really as smooth-sailing as you thought so? I doubt it. There must be a certain level of disagreement and irreconciliation between them, to make the tension detectable.

Sigh. Sometimes people are just hard to get along with. I'm rather tired, rather drained and weary of a lot of tension that I have to face everywhere. It can be tension between me and some teachers, or tension between me and my siblings. It just keeps popping out, making me rather frustrated at times.

Words sustain me and keep me sane now. I really love writing down my thoughts. To see that flow of words is just like seeing my frustration and troubles leak away. It makes me feel much better, and helps me to survive day after day of unhappiness that I might face. Of course, there are happy days too, and the words that I pen down are so filled with joy that I can make myself happy just by re-reading my train of thoughts.

Maybe that's why I keep saying that what I really want for my birthday is a stack of letters written by all those who love me for who I am. Because words express sincerity and heartfelt thoughts. To me, nothing can really replace words.

___reality

2006-01-20T08:15:00.000-08:00

I lived in a bubble of perfection.

You know, I was happy and all for some time. I thought it was great.

Yet the bubble broke recently. I fell. The bubble didn't hold me anymore.

The harshness of the world set in. I wasn't floating, I was falling.

This is what they call reality.

How ugly it is, how unsupportive it is.

I don't like it. Stop quarreling, stop it stop it.

___ah sam!

2006-01-20T08:09:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to you, our dearest section slave. Okay that sounds rather sadistic. hahas. Seriously, we don't treat you like a slave! Because we treat you to Crystal Jade. Anyway, you're finally 18 years old, although you don't even look 17! haha. I hope you had a happy day celebrating with all your friends. (:

Please don't guess how many xiao long baos I ate. haha!

___ambitions

2006-01-19T05:17:00.000-08:00

I think I have weird ambitions, which are not typical of an NJ student. Usually when people have studied this hard to get into a JC, they'll have lofty ambitions like being doctors, entreupeuners, lawyers, journalists etc. What is my main ambition? To write for a magazine. And today, when my CT asked me what magazine I intended to write for, I said Seventeen. hahas. I think I rather shocked her.

Another ambition of mine is to be a waitress, and then maybe I might have a chance to progress to a chef. Ahh these two ambitions are just so unique, or should I say that no-one would expect somebody like me studying in one of the better JCs to harbour such weird, underachieving ambitions. And perhaps such unamazing ambitions lead people to have a minor shock. Like their reactions show how unbelievable my dream for my future career is.

But seriously, being the dreamer I am, I imagine myself working in a job which I hold a lot of passion for. I imagine myself enjoying and having fun in my job. That's why I don't aim high at all, because those jobs don't hold any excitement for me.

I really hope one day, I'll be one of the writers behind Seventeen. (: Or maybe Her World and Cleo could do too.